Read Write Prompt #99: Setting the Scene
This week Andre challenges us to “write a poem that tells a narrowly focused story — a “scene” — without telling the story. Instead, convey the essence of the scene through your description of the world in which it takes place and the “characters” (who don’t have to be human or even “alive”) that inhabit it”. Here’s my narrative of a few moments that take place within a much larger and longer story.
Chance Encounter
suddenly, from the corner of her
eye she saw him at the
end of the hallway trying
to appear nonchalant,
an endearing moment that
made her heart jump in
her throat, the speaker was
droning on and on as
she tried to focus on the words
and he slowly walked toward her
from the corner of her eye she
could see his gaze was directly on
her face, she shifted in her chair
a cold metal folding chair and her
elbow brushed the person next to her
“excuse me”, “no problem”
but the problem was getting closer and
his gaze was creating a flush of red
she could feel rising from her neck to
the widow’s peak of her hairline
closer still and her breath came in
small gasps, like the small puffs of
steam emitted from a heating tea kettle
the words of the speaker were now
muffled as if spoken from outside a
padded room – blah, blah, blah –
is all she heard, while her total
focus became not meeting his eyes
while wanting ever so desperately to,
looking without looking as he drifted in
and out of view between rows of shifting bodies
suddenly she realizes he has passed and
just as she closes her eyes in relief and
disappointment, feels a hand on her shoulder
he is behind her and he whispers
“I just wanted to say hello”
she turns her head toward him but doesn’t
raise her stinging eyes, only nods as she croaks,
“I was leaving that up to you”
Charlotte Hamrick 
I liked this poem very much.The way you
keep the sexual tension going to the end is electrifying.I could feel the sparks flying.
Muffled if spoken from outside a padded
room-blah blah blah-Oh,yes I remember this well!Tremendous poem..loved it.
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Hi zouxzoux,
I was feeling uncomfortable along with her! How well we know that mixture of emotions.
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Thanks, Rall! So glad you like it.
Derrick, this is not a scenario I want repeated often – lol!
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Oh my goodness. It is like you crawled into my life experience, right down to the widow’s peak and croaky voice.
Love the tension and the build up and the slight panic of “oh no, he somehow walked past me and nothing happened?”
Love this, dear zouxzoux!
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Thanks, Julie ~ shared experiences bring us poor slobs closer, eh? 🙂
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Wonderfully portrayed way we refuse engagement with our moment in our place while we concentrate on some thought or emotion that is somewhere out of the moment, Zouxzoux. I particularly like these lines:
the words of the speaker were now
muffled as if spoken from outside a
padded room – blah, blah, blah –
is all she heard, while her total
focus became not meeting his eyes
My focus might have been elsewhere, but I can’t count how many times I’ve shifted and groaned under “blah, blah, blah”!
Nice capture of the emotional setting.
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Great treatment of focus. Everything is out of focus but the one thing she won’t look directly at, so we can’t see him either.
The hand does come as a shock.
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So good, so realisticly described…I myself can only hear a buzzing in my ears when I am in that state! I like how you left an un-answered question..was this a “crush” of hers, or a lover that she had fought with? Great!
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Thanks, hon!
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I love the self consciousness described in the woman; how the poem takes the reader through a seemingly pedestrian moment and deftly mines enormous dimension and emotion in terms of how her intentions and actions unfold in relation to the man.
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Exactly! None other than the two would ever know the little drama that’s playing out. Thanks!
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I can totally relate to the way it balances desire and shyness.thanks
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This is very close, real and human. You have captured an everyday experience in a tight situation that happens all the time. your imagery is expressive and real. Thank you for sharing, Zouxzoux.
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Thanks for stopping by, Linda! I want to visit your blog as well but your link only takes me to my own Blogger profile. Go figure. If you come back here, please leave your url. 🙂
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wonderful…thanks for sharing this
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Thank YOU for visiting!
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Ah, love this! So many gems in here. “She saw him…trying to appear nonchalant, an endearing moment that made her heart jump in her throat.” “She realizes he has passed and…closes her eyes in relief and disappointment..” Great. Perhaps my FAVORITE though was “but the problem was getting closer.” That line seizes you, twists, and makes you squirm. “The problem” is also an amazing metaphor. My face isn’t sure if it should form a schoolgirl cringe, or a schoolgirl smile.
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Delicious! The poem I mean, not the experience of the scene. Your sense of timing as the poem slowly builds yet does not telegraph the ending is simply superb. I too, appreciate the stories that live within the images of a moment or two. Beautiful quietly expressed drama here. Great job Zouxzoux!
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Fine post, I found your blog while I was doing a research on the internet.
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